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Long May You Waive
From a retirement agreement, here's a monster paragraph that the lawyer loved so much that he used it twice!: Retiree hereby agrees to and does for himself and his heirs, executors, administrators, successors and assigns, and each of them, release, remit, remise, acquit and forever discharge Employer, all individual members of Board of Directors (past, present and future), its employees, officer, agents, successors and assigns and XYZ Company, Inc. from any and all matters of action, causes of action, grievances, rights or claims of rights, debts, dues, damages, liabilities, costs claims, controversies, demands, torts, contracts, agreements, guarantees, indebtedness, obligations, expenses, accountings, warranties and choices in action, in law or in equity, including grievances of unfair labor practices and of every nature and description whatsoever by reason of or in respect to the performance by Retiree of any extra duty assignment by Retiree whether known or unknown, suspected or unsuspected, latent or patent, or has at any time heretofore owned or held against the aforesaid parties or Board of Directors.
Translation:
Retiree waives his right to sue the employer. Thanks to attorney Erin Engels who uncovered this shameful legalese -- and who thoughtfully pointed out that attorney forgot to release the Board in case of catastrophic planetary implosion! |
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U Turns Prohibited Except Where Permitted
From the Ohio Traffic Code. No vehicle shall be turned so as to proceed in the opposite direction within an intersection, or upon any street in a business district, or upon a freeway, expressway or controlled-access highway, or where authorized signs are erected to prohibit such movement, or at any other location unless such movement can be made with reasonable safety to other users of the street and without interfering with the safe operation of any traffic that may be affected by such movement.
Translation:
You can't make a U-turn, except when you can. Take a look at that last clause (the one starting with "unless such movement..."). What does it modify? Does it create an exception to each of the prohibitions in the paragraph, or does it apply only to the bit about "at any other location." It's ambiguous, and lawyers could go around and around in circles -- but not in their cars. Submitted by Howard Kline. |
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By the time you read this adoption statute, the kid will be grown up
From the Ohio Revised Statutes, a statute dealing with adoption. Beware prospective parents: this statute consists of a mind-numbing 326-word sentence. The readability score: Zero. (Source: Judge Mark Painter). If the agency determined that the petitioner is an adopted person, if the department of health informed the agency either that the file of releases does not contain a release or releases filed by one or both of the petitioner's biological parents that authorize the release of identifying information to him and does not contain a release or releases filed by any biological sibling that authorizes the release of specified information to him or that the file of releases contains at least one such release but a withdrawal of release has been filed that negates each such release, if the agency did not inform the court that it had determined that one or both of the petitioner's biological parents as indicated on the petitioner's original birth record were deceased, and if the court did not determine that one or both of the petitioner's biological parents as indicated on that record were deceased, the judge shall order that the petition remain pending until withdrawn by the petitioner and order the department of health to note its pendency in the file of releases according to the surname of the petitioner as set forth in his original birth record; shall inform the petitioner that he is an adopted person and, if known, of the county in which the adoption proceedings occurred; shall inform the petitioner that information regarding his name by birth and the identity of his biological parents and biological siblings may not be released at that time because the file of releases at that time does not contain an effective release that authorizes the release of any such information to him; and shall inform the petitioner that, upon the subsequent filing of a release by or the death of either of his biological parents, or the subsequent filing of a release by any of his biological siblings, the petition will be acted upon within thirty days of the filing in accordance with division (E) of this section.
Translation:
For an excellent translation, see Judge Mark Painter's website. Judge Painter reports that it took him about an hour to rewrite this law into English. Couldn't the legislature invest as much time? |
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The User Agreement From Hell
The Central Pacific Railroad has a charming online "Photographic History Museum" which can be found here. From the Home page, click on "Legal Notices" to find a truly egregious Users Agreement, here.
The User Agreement goes on for over 31,000 words. When cut and pasted into word (and made a uniform 12 pt font), The Agreement stretches over 57 pages. It contains 44 "herein's." In an attempt to lighten the tone, the author(s) have peppered the Agreement with "jokes" -- like a force majeure clause that promises to void the Agreement in the event of "Asteroid Impact" (Stop it! You guys are killing me!). To take one of many examples of the author's drafting prowess, the integration clause is a 640-word monster: You agree that this web page alone constitutes the entire User Agreement, that it is the complete and exclusive statement of your agreement with us, that it sets forth our entire liability, all representations made, and all warranties or commitments that are binding upon us, that it is not intended to inure to third-party beneficiaries, constitutes a writing signed by you, supersedes all prior agreements and representations between the parties, that no variation of the terms of this User Agreement will be enforceable against us, that it is subject to change which shall be effective immediately, and you waive the right to claim, contest, or assert that this User Agreement was modified, canceled, superseded, or changed by any oral agreement, purchase order, e-mail, notice, or other writing, course of conduct, waiver, implication, or estoppel, nor may you rely upon the representation(s) of any donor. Any attempt to transfer any of the rights, duties, or obligations hereunder except as expressly provided for herein is null and void. In the event of a dispute, the parties hereto agree to resolve the dispute by looking to this User Agreement. This User Agreement shall not limit any rights that we may have any under intellectual property or other law, including but not limited to copyright, trade secret, or contract law. This User Agreement shall not be canceled, modified, amended or in any way altered, nor may it be modified by custom and usage of trade or course of dealing. No one has the authority to vary these terms and conditions, nor to make any additional commitments, representations, or warranties which do not appear herein, and no purported modification by any person, orally or in writing, may be relied upon or deemed binding, and we note our objection thereto, nor shall any writing, undertaking, representation, or warranty made by anyone affiliated with this website which is inconsistent with this User Agreement be binding. Consequently you may not send us your contracts, offers, requirements, forms, purchase orders, files, gift restrictions, confidentiality notices, or other communications containing terms and/or conditions which differ from this User Agreement which if received in violation of the foregoing will be ignored if possible, and will have no effect, but which may if deemed necessary in our sole discretion be subject to legal review at your expense. Our failure to respond or take affirmative action in response to any communication or information sent or provided to us should be understood to mean that we did not receive the communication or information, did not read it, chose not to respond, or disagreed, and should not be construed to indicate our acquiescence, agreement, approval, or consent. Specifically, but not in limitation of the forgoing, this restricted rights website and any related software, data, images, or other content are not available for licensing to United States Government End Users or others under the terms of FAR 52.227-19 ("COMMERCIAL COMPUTER SOFTWARE–RESTRICTED RIGHTS") but only under the more restrictive terms as set forth herein, and constitute proprietary, trade secret, commercial data which is not subject to, and may not be disclosed under the disclosure provisions of any federal, state, local, or other law. Sponsored links on this website automatically continue and renew for the number of months initially chosen, or for six months periods if otherwise unspecified, unless and until you give prior written notice by e-mail of cancellation, however, we reserve the right to cancel sponsored links at any time by giving you written notice and making a pro rata refund; sponsors should schedule such timely periodic payments and not expect or await reminders. Recommendations and information are not intended to replace well-structured policy or sound judgment and do not address individual or site-specific issues, so you must take care when using or implementing to address individual or local operational and policy concerns. (Source: Phil Venton).
Translation:
This web page constitutes the entire agreement between the parties. We can modify it at any time; you cannot. |
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The Golden Gobbledygook Award: First Place
An "Information" (indictment) filed in Oklahoma state court, includes a monstrous 4-page, 1,000-word sentence that begins:
That is to further state that within said time period and within said County and State, the aforesaid defendants . . . did combine, conspire and agree, one with the other and with others, to defraud the State of Oklahoma… (Source: Paul Sherman, Arlington, Virginia).
Translation:
Look at me, I'm a lawyer!! Even the dates are written in legalese; instead of "October 25, 2004," the author writes "the 25th day of October, 2004 A.D." The A.D. is a big help, lest anyone think that the events of the case occurred around the time that Stonehenge was being built. Click HERE to read the whole ghastly thing. |
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The Golden Gobbledygook Award: Second Place
A pre-nuptial agreement seeks to catalogue each spouse's pre-marital assets in Exhibits A and B, so that the spouses can agree on the value of their property. Except when they don't agree:
Therefore, no error, omission or inaccuracy in Exhibits A or B creates any legal right in either spouse or gives rise to any legal remedy including, but not limited to, challenging the validity or enforceability of this Agreement. (source: Anonymous).
Translation:
Neither spouse can rely on the accuracy of Exhibit A or B in any context whatsoever. So why bother including the exhibits?? |
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The Golden Gobbledygook Award: Third Place
Plaintiff's counsel thinks that defendant's expert witness is full of it, and he's not going to keep it to himself:
In fact, bereft of supplication of the documentation specified in plaintiff's Request to Produce any opinions of defendant's bio-mechanical expert are mere net opinions unsupported by facts, appropriate authority or the like. As such, it is respectfully submitted that it is appropriate in this litigation to bar defendant's purported bio-mechanical expert's report and trial testimony due to non-compliance with the afore referenced discovery requests. (source: Cynthia Covie Leese, retired judge, New Jersey Superior Court).
Translation:
The court should bar defendant's expert's report because it does not cite facts. |
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The Golden Gobbledygook Award: Dishonorable Mention
From a lawyer's letter:
We will continue to give priority attention to this matter in order to ensure finalization in a timely manner. (source: Joel Wakefield).
Translation:
We'll put a rush on it. |
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Twelve Angry Men — no wonder
From a Connecticut jury instruction:
A superseding cause is any force which, by its intervention in the sequence of events leading from the defendant's negligence to the plaintiff's injury, legally prevents the defendant from being held liable for the injury even though his negligence has been a substantial factor in bringing the injury about.
To establish that a third person's intervening act was not a superseding cause of an injury, the plaintiff must therefore prove at least one of the following facts: first, that the third person's intervening conduct was not a legal cause of the injury; second, that such conduct was not intentionally harmful; and/or third, that the injury was not outside the scope of the risk created by the defendant's negligence.
Translation:
Even if the defendant behaved carelessly, you cannot find him liable if the defendant's injury was actually caused by the harmful act of another person. |
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The letter of the law
From a lawyer's letter:
I am herewith returning the stipulation to dismiss in the above entitled matter; the same being duly executed by me.
Translation:
I have signed and enclosed the stipulation to dismiss the Byrd case. (Source for legalese and translation: Lifting the Fog of Legalese, by Joe Kimble, Carolina Academic Press, 2006). |
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Abate and switch
From a real estate contract:
If there is material destruction of the Unit without fault of the Purchaser, this Contract shall be deemed cancelled in accordance with 16.3, unless Purchaser elects by Notice to Seller to complete the purchase with an abatement of the Purchase Price. . . . Destruction shall be deemed "material" under GOL 5-1311, if the reasonably estimated cost to restore the Unit shall exceed 5% of the Purchase Price. (Source: Blumberg Legal Forms, no. 123.).
Translation:
If there is serious damage to the unit, and:
1) The purchaser did not cause the damage; and
2) It costs more than 5% of the purchase price to repair the damage,
Then the buyer can cancel the contract, or demand a reduction in price. |
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What part of "war" didn't you understand?
An insurance company will not eimburse you for damage caused to your home by war. But what is "war"? According to the insurer, it includes:
any undecleared war, civil war, insurrection, rebellion, revolution, warlike act by a military force or military personnel, destruction or seizure or use for a military purpose, and including any consequence of any of these. Discharge of a nuclear weapon shall be deemed a warlike act even if accidental. (Source: State Farm Condominium Unit Owners Policy).
Translation:
In classic fashion, the contract assumes that "war" is ambiguous.and then goes on to define war as including any "warlike act." Well, if you didn't understand "war," how does "warlike" clear things up? it's a tautology — by which I mean, it's a tautology-like statement. |
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